My Space in the World

What wearing too tight clothes actually does to the body - BT
from The IMPRESSION series (Justin Bartels)

During the Covid-19 pandemic and associated lockdown, I’ve had a lot of time to think. Gone are the friendship politics, disgustingly cold cross-country runs and questionable uniforms of secondary school and looming on the horizon is the big fat Zoom call that is university in 2020. Without education to occupy me, the mental space I’ve had for other thoughts and pursuits has been huge. You know, I’m not sure I’ve had time to properly think and reflect for the past 7 years of my school career – any other thoughts always got promptly squashed beneath some school deadline or the troubling dilemma of working out how I was going to obtain a frog costume in time for the school show (a true and stressful story).

With this slightly terrifying expanse of time before me (do I like it? Scientists are still investigating), I’ve felt like all I can seem to do is think. I’ve tried not to ignore my feelings – turns out I would recommend healthy coping mechanisms – and I’ve attempted to have a little look at the man in the mirror. I’m about to enter a very turbulent world where it seems that actual buffoons in suits run countries (I think we all know who I’m talking about). It feels sometimes like we are living our own dystopian future – people turn against each other, hacking away at the foundations of each other’s identities, their race, sexuality, gender. I’ve been thinking a lot about my femininity particularly. I am in the gap between moments, I am living between time periods – progressive views of femininity grind up against antiquated ones around me in my everyday life.

Though much progress has been made, it seems like the female body is still up for public comment and debate. Diet culture tells us to be thinner, smaller, to take up less space. It trains us to want this too. it builds up our ideas of the ‘after’ picture of a weight loss transformation, as if it’s a mirage in the desert. We are told that with ‘after’ on our side, we will be accepted, wanted, happy. The bodies in our media become homogenous and society lauds them with airtime. We applaud those who lose weight. We praise one body type but censor all others. It’s part of negotiating a place for yourself in this world – you lose a few pounds and you trade them for praise. I willingly exchange my self-esteem, my self-worth and my physical health just for a chance at slimming down, at taking up less space. No price is too high.

And so, in the same way that diet culture tells us to be smaller and take up less physical space, it sends the message that we should take up less space in other ways too. We should take up less space in the board room and other situations of power. We should make our voices quieter. Those private school boys, with their white skin and summer homes in St. Tropez, they are brought up to be sure that they are deserving of their place in the world, whilst we are taught to endlessly question ours.

But then we go further and enforce these narrow standards on ourselves. We attack ourselves for our own perceived physical inadequacies. We question whether we even belong in these situations of power, endlessly questioning whether we offended someone or said the right thing. The space that I occupy in the world decreases, squashed and made smaller by my own hand. We are aiming for the ‘after’, the smaller, quieter version of ourselves, that will supposedly make us happy.

Indeed, advertising, which floods our lives in endless pop-ups and billboards, almost entirely relies on this principle, of making us feel like we need a product, that we don’t already have the happiness this product will give us, that our lives are wanting without it. These adverts tell us that we’ll be happier if we buy this product, that we’ll be more beautiful, more intelligent, that we too can sit precariously on the edge of a bath and shave our legs while looking like a goddess. It assumes that we need to buy something else to feel complete. It assumes we were not whole to begin with. It assumes that we are not enough as we are.

This sense of not being enough, it pervades our consciousness. Even as I’m writing this, I’m thinking about what I should eat for dinner and how that will impact my weight. I hate that. I hate that sometimes I look in the mirror and I cannot see the good. But I am slowly learning that this part of myself, this part full of self-loathing, it does not belong to me. Because we were not born hating ourselves; it is something we have learned. This self-hatred was put there by a world that wants me to lose weight and pipe down because it fits the patriarchal narrative of what a woman should be. Small. Quiet. It has trained me to hate anything I see in myself that is different from that narrative. We have become agents of our own subordination.

So, I’m removing myself from this narrative. Or trying to at least. The world has told us that there is only one acceptable way to be a woman, but that is so far from the truth. Your body, however it looks, is beautiful because it is yours. Dare to rebel, dare to love the parts of yourself that the world tells you to hate. Because you are whole. And you certainly don’t need a romantic partner, a fancy job or the porpoise-like skin of a model from a shaving advert to make you that way.

A Definitive Ranking of Letterboxes

You may be slightly confused by this title in various aspects. Firstly, ‘definitive’ is questionable, as there is no backing to what I’m saying other than experience and Deep Trauma, both of which will be clarified soon. And secondly, if you’re thinking that letterboxes are a weird thing to rank, you would be right. Letterboxes are a drop in the ocean of life. The only person who comes to mind who would care about them is Postman Pat. In conclusion, I’m not sure anyone could think of a less inspiring topic to talk about than letterboxes. Well, Pat now has a second in command in the Letterbox Grievances Club. Me, if that wasn’t clear.

Recently, my mum, my sister and I have been delivering the village magazine every two months to every house in our village. Job description includes: much walking, a heavy backpack, learning to navigate gates and drowning all your worries in the smell of a freshly printed magazine. But the most controversial, and perhaps divisive aspect of the job is the letterboxes. And there are a lot of them. I personally have quite strong feelings about some of them, so if you were looking for The Definitive League Table of Letterbox Design, this is it.

NB –  we are using the very official and scientific rating system known as the Boxometer to assess the candidates (1 = scum of the earth, 10 = deserves a knighthood).

6. Sideways letterboxes

Imagine the first Google result you’d get if you searched ‘letterbox’. A horizontal, metallic affair, right? Pretty unassuming. Seems fairly normal. Not anymore. Turn it 180 degrees and the Devil becomes incarnate in the form of a letterbox. Nothing pains me more than a vertical letterbox. They’re normally high up too and for someone ‘vertically challenged’ (or, if you want to be dysphemistic, small) like myself, this can be a difficult cross to bear. You have to fold the village magazine in half to fit it through, the letterbox swings inward so you inevitably get your hand trapped in it, you’ve dropped all the other magazines you’re holding because you were THIS close to having to get a step ladder out to reach the bloody thing. Absolute nightmare. Would not recommend to a friend. It’s a no from me.

Rating – 2 (points for aesthetic appeal and the fun jaunty angle chosen for the placement of the letterbox, loses points for being very demanding and high maintenance)

5. Letterboxes at the bottom of the door

Coming in at number 5, we have the bottom-of-the-door letterbox. Let me set the scene for you. You feel like you have perhaps been on a religious pilgrimage/3 Peaks challenge/trek to the North Pole because of the amount of walking you’ve had to do to deliver these magazines. The glutes are burning. They’re struggling. AND THEN, to top it off, you have to very inelegantly squat like you’re about to lay a moderately sized egg in order to reach one of these letter boxes at the bottom of the door. Who actually thought that was a good design choice? Honestly I think it’s just people trying to be edgy and different and not like other girls doors. Come on mate, having a funkily positioned letterbox does not make you special. Just put it in the middle of the door. My aching back is begging you.

Rating – 3 (gets credit for effort at trying to be different, loses points for being unnecessarily labour-intensive)

4. Old letterboxes

You know the kind. You literally need a Hulk smash in order to open one because they’re pretty much rusted shut. Sometimes, once you open one, you have to wrestle with it to shut it again because they’re so stiff. They’re also TINY. Like, I could maybe fit one Post-It note through it at a push. What kind of doll-sized people are living in these houses with doll-sized letterboxes for their doll-sized post? It’s self-sabotage really. The post gets all crumpled because you have to perform some elaborate origami on the item in order to actually get it through the letterbox. I get that it adds “character” to your property Susan, OK, and I know your house is a “Grade-2 listed building” but seriously, get it together.

Rating – 4 (kinda cute and has historical significance but doesn’t take away from the crumpledness of the post)

3. Letterboxes on houses where a dog lives

These ones are terrifying. You skip up the garden path to this beautiful cottage with lovely flowers outside the door and life is good. You open the letterbox to simply slip a magazine through so you can then be on your merry way when, at the first minuscule sound you make, a dog SLAMS its body against the door from the inside and snatches the magazine from your hand. You can literally feel your blood pressure increase. The only reason why it’s this far up the ranking is because dogs are cute. That’s it.

Rating – 5 (dogs are ❤ but I feel like I’m being attacked by a literal wolf when they start barking and snarling at the door)

2. Modern letterboxes with brush seal on the inside

Getting the silver medal is the standard modern letterbox. She’s a beauty. Opens very easily, you have the brush seal to guard you from any canine attacks from inside the house, you very rarely trap your fingers in it because it has a gorgeously soft close rather than snapping shut. The only reason why it doesn’t get the top spot is the slightly spiky quality of the brush seal. Didn’t come out delivering magazines so I could get my hand exfoliated by a letterbox.

Rating – 9 (an unproblematic queen but kind of feels like an unnecessarily abrasive exfoliating brush you might get in a Baylis and Harding Christmas gift set)

1. Mailboxes on the outside of the house

Now this is the true definition of beauty. Let me give you the rundown – no risk of trapped fingers because it doesn’t snap shut, minimal effort, especially if it’s on the front gate (less walking required = win), spacious so no elaborate folding of the magazine needed, very efficient post and run and you aren’t left wrestling with some random person’s letterbox that won’t close. It is nothing but divine. Thank you for your service mailbox.

Rating – 1000 (low effort for me, letterbox just vibes on the outside of the gate, chill experience all round)

I mean congratulations if you got to the end of that. I know reading about letterboxes is a life-affirming, mentally stimulating and empowering activity and I’m glad we could take part in it together. Join me next time when perhaps I’ll rank garden tools or even better, items of cutlery *gasp*. Exciting times ahead folks.

Mae Martin’s ‘Feel Good’

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I heard about this TV show on Instagram. I saw that it was the work of Mae Martin, a Canadian comedian whose sets I’ve watched and really enjoyed before. I had a free morning, I had a Channel 4 All 4 account and I had a desire to watch something new so I decided to give it a go. And I’m so glad I did.

‘Feel Good’ is a Channel 4 six-part series of roughly 25 minute episodes which is a loose biopic of Martin’s own life and experiences. The romcom-style series centres on the relationship between Mae, played by Martin herself, a comedian struggling with addiction and the problems that has caused in her life, and George, played by Charlotte Ritchie (fans of the BBC TV show ‘Ghosts’ will jump for joy at this casting), an English teacher who has never been in a relationship with a woman before and is grappling with her sexual identity and how she can reveal it to her ignorant friends and family. The series looks at how two people can love each other but come from very different backgrounds and how those backgrounds and values interact and clash to form a beautiful exploration of a messy, realistic and flawed relationship. Top-notch television in my opinion.

Firstly, this show is incredibly funny. The episodes are pretty short really, as is the whole series, but the writing is wonderfully timed, witty and laugh out loud. In fact, in an interview with Martin in The Guardian, Martin discusses how she got into comedy and how she was amazed that comedians could take the weirdest parts of themselves, the parts they were made fun of for, and use it to make other people laugh with them, not at them. I think Mae Martin’s willingness to be vulnerable and share her own experiences is what makes her so funny – people can relate to it so they feel like they can relax into her writing and her comedy. She’s a very talented individual.

It was also really wonderful to see an LGBT couple taking centre-stage in a rom-com, a genre traditionally dominated by stereotypical cisgender, heterosexual relationships. For George particularly, the series builds up the background to her sexual identity, with her mother, still embittered by her divorce, constantly feeding George ideas of romantic cynicism and George’s friends, privileged, white and rich, with ignorant ideas about love and romance. Due to her fear of what her friends and family will think of her first relationship with a woman, George is twisted into someone the audience does not recognise – there’s a horrible scene where George denies her relationship with Mae to her friends right in front of Mae. A collective wince was felt I must say, a different feeling to the romantic montage of Mae and George’s relationship that begins the first episode. During the series, George comes to realise how her ideas about love have been so influenced by her background and she is forced to re-evaluate how she relates to the world and her relationships, realising that her relationship with them is not based on a foundation of trust and honesty, something she confronts them about in the final episode. George shows the intersection between your background and your behaviour, an interesting, fully fleshed out character who you truly believe could be a real person. Also, in an interview, Martin remarked that she wanted to explore the character of the privileged, ignorant Binky (a hoot of a name), George’s “best friend”, further in a possible subsequent series, something that I think would really add to the exploration of privilege and upbringing in the show and how this informs your values and how you move through the world.

The show is also great for its open exploration of gender identity and sexuality. Due to George’s past heterosexual relationships and the stereotypically heterosexual narrative she tells Mae she dreamt of for herself, it exposes Mae’s own insecurities about her own gender identity, something she formulates an entire comedy set on, which throws a real spanner in the works with her relationship and causes her to spiral with her addiction but ironically brings her the most renown she has ever had in her career. In the first episode of the show, we speed through the first three months of Mae and George’s relationship before the opening credits have even been shown, in a honeymoon-period montage that ends with them moving in together. I think that just goes to show that the series is so concerned with getting to the nitty gritty if you will, moving below the feelings of attraction and lust that you might feel at first in a relationship to a deeper discussion of emotional connection. The way the show discusses these difficult topics that can often be mishandled in TV and film – gender, sexuality, addiction, emotional trauma – is open and unashamed and is neither dysphemistic or euphemistic. It’s just really honest, which I think is something a lot of people can appreciate.

There is so much that I could say about this show. I could tell you about the scene where George confronts a student she teaches about a homophobic remark the student made, I could tell you about how we see the strained relationship between Mae and her parents (her mum is played by Lisa Kudrow by the way, fab choice, 100% recommend), I could tell you about George’s clothes (I know this is not an intellectual nor emotionally resonant thing to discuss but I just really liked her outfits OK, I’m sorry, I had to slide it in, you gotta do what you gotta do). But I think you just really need to see it for yourself. In a time where social distancing is the order of the day, this show reminds us of human connection, deep emotional trauma and the realistic nature of human relationships. I can’t recommend it enough. Well done Mae Martin – you done good.

(P.S. I only have about £3 to my name but I’m going to somehow bribe Mae Martin/Channel 4/whatever God is up there to make another series. I feel like I still need more of these beautiful characters).

Mottos, Quotes and Words to Live By

I have this very distinct memory of a particular dance class I did once. Our teacher taught us a routine and then we split up into groups to perform it. When we weren’t performing, we sat at the front and stretched out while we were watching everyone else perform. Me and two of my friends were all trying to get into the splits (trying being the key word there). I think I made some throwaway comment about how I couldn’t do it and I stopped stretching. My friend said to me, ‘winners never quit, quitters never win’. For some reason, it’s stuck with me ever since.

I’m kind of painting this friend in a bad light here – she’s coming across as very holier-than-thou – and that’s not how it was at all. We were all kind of mucking around, half-heartedly stretching and not really properly going for it, and she made that comment jokily. It was something we all laughed about. But it really struck a chord with me and it’s a quote I now remind myself about fairly often.

I have a section of my wall where I’ve stuck this quote and a few others that have really impacted me. I thought I would maybe share some of these because they’ve helped me put things into perspective at various points in my life and maybe they could do the same for other people. Enjoy.

‘Winners never quit and quitters never win’ – Vince Lombardi 

This is the quote from the aforementioned Stretch Gate. Essentially, I find it very easy to get caught up in the immediate difficulty of a situation and lose sight of my goal. And this helps me remind myself that if I want to get to that goal, I have to keep pushing on past all the hard stuff. It helps to remind me that nothing worth having is easy to get. It can be a bit of double-edged sword sometimes – I sometimes find it hard to distinguish between quitting, which this quote makes me think of as negative, and saying no to something because I have too much on my plate and I will burn out if I don’t ‘quit’. Therefore, I do have to be careful not to use this quote as a stick with which to beat myself in self-criticism (sorry for the quite violent metaphor there). Nevertheless, although a somewhat aggressive quote (it’s kind of the quote form of a slap in the face and/or having cold water thrown on you), it does the job – it helps me push through the bad to get to the good.

‘A person can stand just about anything for 10 seconds’ – Kimmy Schmidt 

Can I just start by saying that Kimmy Schmidt is an absolutely class TV show?! (the theme tune? So catchy!) Now that we’ve got that out of the way, this quote is one that I use for a quite specific situation. I am now realising that my association with this quote also comes from a dance class. Is there a pattern developing here? Scientists are still investigating. Anyway, I tend to use this one when I’m doing a plank or sit ups or whatever I’m doing in my strength and conditioning dance classes and I literally feel like I might die and/or my muscles might spontaneously combust. The quote is true. A person CAN stand just about anything for 10 seconds. I tell myself to just do 10 more seconds. Then I do 10 more. Then I do 10 more. Before I know it, I’ve got abs of steel! (not quite true but we’re working on it).

‘Do one thing every day that scares you’ – Eleanor Roosevelt 

I think it would be a fair assessment to call myself a worrier. I am often a worst scenario kind of gal. When I’m in a situation where I’m scared about being on the phone to a stranger or paying for something at a till (sometimes the worries spiral OK, don’t judge), I try to remind myself that it’s good to push myself out of my comfort zone and that’s where real growth and learning happens. It just helps me to live my everyday life pushing myself that little bit. And hey, I managed to talk on the phone to the stranger and one of my friends told me I had a good phone voice so I mean, we’re onto a real winner here, am I right? God, I need to get a life.

‘Courage is not the absence of fear: it is acting in spite of it’ – Mark Twain 

Another fear based quote here (another pattern emerging, amazing). It reminds me that it’s OK to be afraid and acknowledge your fear but the real strength comes when you act anyway. I have to push myself to do things I’m scared of because otherwise I will literally never do them. I just try to remember that my fear is not a weakness and that tackling it shows strength. It’s hard to remember sometimes but you know, I’m trying.

‘As humans, we don’t want the thing – we want how the thing makes us feel’ 

This quote is literally just from some random YouTube video I watched but it really made an impact on me. And if you think about anyone in any situation, it’s really true. A person who goes down a certain career path because it’s lucrative wants money because it makes them feel secure or powerful. We want a home to feel safe. We want a family to feel loved. It really does make a lot of sense. Obviously, no two situations are the same and this quote is not a catch-all, cure-all phrase which explains the motives for every single thing humanity has ever done. But from a personal perspective, it helps me focus on what I really want. What makes me happiest? What makes me feel thankful? What do I actually want? It helps me figure out why I want the thing that I want and it helps me rethink my definition of happiness. If I can recognise that feeling that I want within my everyday life, I makes me feel far more grateful, mindful and fulfilled. Apologies that those last few sentences sounded like I was narrating a guided meditation but it really is all true.

‘Deeds, not words’ 

I first saw this quote in the gift shop at the National Archives (a random location, I feel). We went on a school trip there and this was a quote from the suffragette movement that was on several items in the shop. And it really stayed with me. I’m sorry if this is about to get a bit existential but I sometimes feel like I’m not a very good friend. I get into a mindset where I think I’m not actually really helping my friends when they need help and that I’m just offering them words instead of actual support. I use this quote to remind myself that when you’re trying to help someone out, actions speak louder than words. Love is not a noun, it’s a verb; it’s not something you feel, it’s something you do. I don’t always get it right. I do really need to take my own advice more. But I know I should use deeds instead of words, and I try.

Apologies if this came across as preachy-y or self-righteous; it was not intended in that way at all. I just thought I’d share some of the words that have helped me put things in perspective in the hope that someone else may gain some perspective from them too. May you all have dance lessons that are as enlightening as mine have apparently been. Hmm, that’s really an alarmingly consistent pattern in the origins of these quotes that I should probably do something about.

There’s No Book Like Home

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In the immortal words of Dorothy, there really is no place like home. The smell of cooking, the comfort and warmth, the yells of screaming children. There’s nothing like a wailing child for creating ambiance. But as well as home being a physical place, we all have other things that remind us of home too. For me, I have a weirdly strong association with the smell of Play Doh (Dorh? Dough? I Doh-n’t know). I have since been told that for many a child, Play Doh is a strangely appealing snack. Not sure how I feel about that one.

Anyway, as well as smells, sounds and questionable tastes (those grass-eating kids on the playground, I’m looking at you) that remind us of home, I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that I have a few books that when I read them, I immediately feel comforted. And in the terrifying times we live in, I think that’s a feeling we all need to hold onto.

This is most likely not going to be the most academic book list you’ve ever read. And that’s alright. It’s OK to just read stuff you like without worrying about its cultural importance (something I am working on). So, without further ado, I (the dining room) proudly present *trumpet fanfare* my home comfort books (your dinner). Sorry, I couldn’t resist the Lumiere reference there. Another home comfort right there. I digress. Moving on.

The Malory Towers series by Enid Blyton 

I have very distinct memories of going to the library to borrow a Malory Towers book and literally reading it non-stop until I’d finished it (I’m surprised I never dropped any of those books down the toilet or anything to be honest). This series is one of the series that really ignited my love for reading so it’s got to feature on the list. 

‘Longbourn’ by Jo Baker 

Whenever I don’t know what to read, I always find myself reaching for this book. It’s essentially a reimagining of ‘Pride and Prejudice’ from the perspective of the servants in the Bennet household. As well as loving the original novel it’s based on, I love the characters in this, the plots are really fleshed out, the way Baker references the original novel is really thoughtful and makes you think about how Austen treats social class in her novels. A book that I can read time and time again without ever getting bored. It’s a yes from me.

The 1912 storyline in ‘Honeymoon in Paris’ from ‘Paris for One and Other Stories’ by Jojo Moyes 

OK, this sounds very weirdly specific and that’s because it is very weirdly specific. This story is set in Paris and it has two storylines in it, separated into chapters: one is set in 2002 and the other is set in 1912, but the storylines mirror and interweave with each other. Essentially, when I’m bored, I will just read the 1912 storyline because I love the relationship between Sophie and Edouard and I just never tire of reading about it. Perhaps because it’s everything I would want. Haha, psychoanalysis over. Next.

‘Jane Eyre’ by Charlotte Bronte 

I remember in Year 8, I had the embarrassing moment of confusing Jane Eyre with Jane Austen. Not my finest hour. We’ve come a long way since then. I mean, it’s a classic so you don’t need me to tell you it’s good but still. I’m going to tell you anyway. I love Jane Eyre. I love the gothic genre and in ‘Jane Eyre’, you’ve got the exploration of the madwoman in the attic trope with Bertha Mason and all that symbolises in feminist literature of a woman creatively and socially repressed. It’s a novel that I genuinely love reading about and reading around because I always feel there’s more that can be said about it. Really interesting, really enjoyable, could not recommend more.

‘The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society’ by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows 

I read this on holiday last year and I was actually really touched by it. It’s written in epistolary form (in letters, telegrams, notes etc.) and I was amazed by how the authors flesh out the characters so well considering the restrictions of the form. I found it quite emotional to read and I felt very connected to the characters. It also really made me aware of the untold experiences of the world wars, the ones we don’t hear about it mainstream discourses. A book that made me think and feel. Isn’t that what we all want when we read?

Honourable mentions include ‘Finding Sky’ by Joss Stirling and the Divergent series by Veronica Roth – Year 8 me really found comfort in repeatedly reading these ones.

Thank you for reading me waffle on the books that feel like home to me. They’re something I can turn to in harder times and I think that’s important to remember in the times we’re living in. I’m well aware that this may just be a shout into the void, but what are your books that feel like home? Let me know!

 

 

 

 

 

The Upside to this Major Downside

The world is a scary place at the moment. It’s hard not to feel like you’re in a dystopian novel when you read the headlines – mentions of quarantine, images of people wearing masks, the rising death tolls. I don’t think I’m alone in saying I feel very detached from reality at the moment and I’m not sure I’ve even really come to terms with the gravity of the situation we’re facing. COVID-19 just feels like a terrible, horrible, never-ending bad dream.

Everyone around me is feeling these same worries too. Some of the people closest to me are members of the vulnerable groups we need to protect and it’s terrifying to feel like they’re at risk. As someone who was meant to be taking my A-Levels this year, now that my exams have been cancelled, I feel like I’m in this limbo or purgatory without direction or purpose. We can never really be sure what the next day will bring. However, despite my lack of direction, I am in an incredibly privileged position. I feel so incredibly fortunate that I am able to stay at home and I know some people have not been so lucky – there are front-line workers who leave the safety of their homes everyday, who put themselves at risk, to do incredible, lifesaving work and people who are so afraid of losing their job and what that would mean for their family that staying at home is not an option. I can’t admire them enough.

It is undeniable that COVID-19 has brought sadness and hardship to many people’s lives. But with it, there is a glimmer of hope.

The Earth is being allowed to breathe. Due to fewer tourists and lower motorboat use, pollution levels are lower, so the waters in the canals of Venice are finally running clear again, repopulated by swans and fish. On some days in New York City, carbon monoxide emissions from cars and trucks have been around 50% lower than they were last year, according to researchers at Columbia University. In China, satellite images from NASA and the European Space Agency have shown a significant decrease in nitrogen dioxide pollution, a gas that contributes to acid rain, a phenomenon which causes environmental harm, primarily to forests and lakes. Whilst the world turns away from using transport, the Earth breathes a sigh of relief.

There are also instances of immense compassion and solidarity. A friend of mine started an Instagram account called @saneandsafe, on which she provides an activity to do for every day we are in quarantine. I was watching Saturday Night Takeaway at the weekend (a cultured watch) and they got people to send in videos of them dancing to Olly Murs’ ‘Dance With Me Tonight’ (a banger, if you ask me). The positivity and optimism that exuded from those videos was really heart warming. My dance teacher is holding online classes for all the students, keeping people active and smiling during this tough time. From my own personal experience, my friends and I are making a real effort to sustain daily contact through FaceTime, Netflix Party and just having a little chat on our group chat. Though I can no longer see them in person for the time being, I actually feel more connected to them than ever.

From a personal perspective, now that my exams are cancelled, I have time to do things that bring me happiness and fulfilment. I often feel like exam season consumes my identity and I lose all sense of self outside of my academic achievement. I can move away from that for now. Instead of outsourcing my sense of self to what grades I get and defining my self-worth based on that, this time is making me look inwards. I’m thinking about what I really want to do and how I can shape my time to fit that. Most importantly, I now have time to mould myself into the person I want to be outside of my grades, something I really struggle with doing. I’ll get my grades. I’ll deal with it if they’re not what I want. But for now, alongside the natural world, I get to exhale.

I recognise that this is a privileged position. I can’t thank the front-line workers enough – the NHS staff, the teachers, the care workers, all those people who are risking their wellbeing to help everyone else. The people who continue to go to work because if they lose their job, they cannot provide for themselves and their family. It is incredible to see how selfless and courageous people are, how willing they are to lift each other up. THAT is the upside to this downside.

 

Gifts For Your Friendly Neighbourhood Bibliophile

OK, first things first, before we get into the main body of this bad boy, would really love to address the whole title situation. Not that anyone really cares but I’m going to stop doing the whole ‘Sophie does this’, ‘Sophie does that’ structure for my article titles now. To put it honestly, it comes across a bit arrogant and that’s really not the one, is it? Also, the whole ‘yours in…’ is a bit much I feel so we’re just going to take it down a few notches. All good? Nice. Let’s proceed.

I was looking around my room earlier and I realised that I have a lot of book-themed merchandise. Like, A LOT. And it has very much accumulated without me noticing. With Christmas fast approaching (not really, but I’m trying to add a bit of cohesion to this introduction and why I’m writing this article so bear with me), this is the perfect time to start thinking about the gifts we’re going to give to our loved ones this year. So, today, I thought I would write a short little wish list for the bibliophiles, or, if we’re using the scientific terminology, ‘book lickers’, in your life. Enjoy.

  1. Bookishly

Bookishly is a fab subscription service where, every month, you get sent a book, a cute little notebook/other satisfyingly adorable stationary item and some tea!! Ideal, I know. Go forth and purchase this starter pack for the wildest Saturday night of your life.

2. Any book with a cover illustrated by Coralie Bickford-Smith

I swear the woman is an actual magician. The covers she draws are literally STUNNING and you know, you really just can’t beat a beautifully illustrated book cover. OK, you can beat it. But book covers, still great, go for it, shove that in your basket.

3. ‘The Book Lover’s Cup of Tea’ tea infuser

I know what you’re thinking. Can it be? And my answer is, yes it can. This is a tea infuser shaped like a book. And like, not to be dramatic, but it’s amazing.

4. Pin badges from Foyle’s

I mean, as soon as I go into Foyle’s, I pretty much just give them my money because all the stuff in there is just so nice. I have this really cute pin badge that says ‘books turn muggles into wizards’. To summarise – cute, book-themed, worth it. Go spend that coin.

5. Go to Waterstones and try and find a signed copy of literally any book

Last summer, I literally had the best day of my life and found a signed copy of a Caitlin Moran book in Waterstones. I didn’t buy it when I first saw it because I’m #dumb so my wonderful mum went and bought it for me. But you might not be as fortunate as I was for it to still be there the next day. These chances don’t come around very often you know.

6. 100 Best Books Poster

OK, I don’t know if that’s actually the name of it but ANYWAY, I’ve seen this poster where there’s the 100 must-read books or books to read before you die, something along those lines, where you scratch off the book once you’ve read it. I’m not explaining this well. Like, on a Lottery ticket or on the scratch and sniff things in the Summer Reading Challenge booklets. I don’t think the poster is scratch and sniff though – they’ve really missed a trick there.

7. Necklace shaped like a book with first name initial on it

I have not made that title catchy at all, wow. This was a gift from my wonderful friends and it’s this adorable necklace in the shape of a book with a little S on it. Cute, classy, can’t think of another adjective beginning with C to finish the alliteration.

And that’s my surprisingly short list of book paraphernalia – normally, I can wax lyrical for at least a couple hundred more words but we’re going to keep it short today. Any gift on this list is statistically guaranteed to make any recipient scream with excitement, so you can’t really beat that can you? Thanks for reading, I’m now off for a cup of tea. With my book shaped tea infuser. Oh yes, ladies and gents, that is the kind of wild life I lead.

Sophie Reads ‘Everything I Know About Love’ by Dolly Alderton

If I had some sort of way of measuring the amount of times I mention Dolly Alderton’s new memoir in my everyday life (a sort of ‘Dolly per capita’ if you will), I would be almost as annoyed by the amount of counting I had to do as everyone else around me is by my constant mentioning of her book. In short, I loved it.

For those of you have not come across this humdinger of a book (weird noun, I know, but I just mentally reached for it and it came to me – you can’t fight nature), I’ll give you a brief introduction, a short Welcome to my Ted Talk, if you will. Dolly Alderton is a journalist, columnist and podcaster and her memoir ‘Everything I Know About Love’ is her first book and it’s a cracking one at that. It gives an account of Alderton’s roaring twenties, with drinking, late-night anecdotes and insightful commentary, all held together by the endurance of her female friendships.

In the Notes section of my phone, I stumbled across a note where I had written down my thoughts about this book whilst I was reading it. Re-reading it in hindsight, I seem to have written it in some sort of crazed fever dream, as there’s really no distinguishable cohesion in anything I have written. At one point I likened my pelvic floor to the Hoover Dam. It was a wild ride from start to finish. I have taken some salvageable sentences and popped them in here but if you come across anything where you’re like, ‘hmm not quite sure about that one’ or ‘is this girl OK’, just know it’s from The Notes Section. Just a bit of a disclaimer from me there. Onto the review.

This book just seems to connect the generations. Although some of Alderton’s hilarious anecdotes are decidedly unique (not naming any names, but she recounts the time she found herself on a long-haul taxi ride up the M1), the things she talks about are so familiar. Reading this book is like coming home and getting a hug from your mum, your best friend, Oprah, a cloud and a packet of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups all at the same time. The perseverance of female friendships throughout the ever-changing backdrop of careers and dating and bereavement and emotional self-discovery is so recognisable. She writes with wit about years well-lived but also writes poignantly about bereavement, mental health, inexpressible feelings about wanting more or feeling stuck. Along with her raucous hilarity and startling relatability, Alderton has such wisdom about love – she tracks her relationship with love throughout her life, explaining encounters, recipes, ideologies that have marked the chronology of her life. If I sat down to write something like this, I feel the frightening emptiness of the blank page would just starve anything I wrote of true feeling or meaning but with Alderton, her writing just overflows with wit, humour and wisdom. It feels so impersonal to refer to her by her surname – Dolly’s memoir makes you feel like you know her. I feel that we can all find a bit of ourselves in this book.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m nearly as cool nor as exciting as Dolly Alderton – the most rebellious thing that I do on the regular is to get in the bath without going for a wee first. Where she is streetwise, charming and effervescent, I spend my evenings crying at Queer Eye. But this disparity never made me feel like I’m an other, like I’m not enough. Some other memoirs I have read have made me feel inadequate, like my life is not exciting enough or I am not adventurous enough. Other memoirs have made me compare myself and re-examine every part of myself, trying to be more. But Dolly Alderton somehow has this amazing way of making you feel like you are exactly where you need to be and the future is exciting and things will work out in the end. Her memoir allows me to appreciate her life and her success without ever having to re-evaluate mine. Because success is not finite. We do not all have to fight over one bit of it. Dolly (and a particularly insightful post on her Instagram) reminded me that I can appreciate and support the success of others without having to decrease my self-worth or goals or dreams. And that is so, so valuable.

I strongly recommend you read this. It is a love letter to beautiful female friendships, to self-discovery, to valuing your emotional wellbeing, to getting heartbroken and learning about love, to drunken nights out, to the feeling of ‘is this it’. There’s a line in Alan Bennett’s ‘The History Boys’ (my English Lit pals, you’ll recognise this) where one of the characters remarks that one of the best things about literature is when you’re reading a book, and you see someone express a feeling that you thought was unique to you, it’s as if a hand reaches out to grab yours. That’s what reading this memoir felt like. Get your fondue cos this is about to get cheesy – it almost felt a bit like coming home.

…I mean, at this point, if you’re not convinced, there’s really not that much more I can do. I exposed the cringiness that is The Notes Section of my phone. I made some dubious jokes. I did a cheesy ending. Read it. You won’t regret it.

Yours in cliched endings,

Sophie

Sophie Reads ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’ by Jenny Han

Let me give you a little bit of context. It is the beginning of the Easter holidays and let me tell you, I have had a whirlwind term. I feel I have achieved a lot this term and I have had some really great experiences (*thanks agent for helping me win the Oscar*) but it has left me exhausted. Like, the kind of tired where you get actual physical responses from your body that require ibuprofen and Sudocrem. I literally feel like I could go full flamingo and just sleep standing on one leg at this point with how much sleep I need to catch up on. So that’s where we’re at.

I am thus not really in the mood for high literature on this first weekend of the Easter holidays. I need something light, something adorable, something where I love the main character’s aesthetic so much that I fall into a Pinterest void whilst looking at said aesthetic. And for me, this came in the form of ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’ by Jenny Han.

For those of you who do not know, ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’ is about a teenage girl called Lara Jean who lives with her dad and two sisters and is very much characterised as an endearing, arts and crafts-loving introvert. When she has a crush, of which there have been five, she writes them a love letter, addresses it and puts it in a box – never to be sent but just as a way to let it all out. One day, her love letters get mysteriously sent out and one of the recipients, Josh (the boyfriend of Lara Jean’s older sister Margot – drama I know) goes to approach Lara Jean about it. To avoid the inevitable awkwardness from proclaiming your undying love for your sister’s boyfriend (a relatable circumstance I’m sure), Lara Jean pretends to be in a relationship with another love letter recipient Peter, who wants to make his ex-girlfriend jealous, so it works for him. Not to mention, said ex-girlfriend is Lara Jean’s ex-best friend. Antics ensue.

I have watched the Netflix film version of this book and I very much enjoyed it. The main character aesthetic was FULLY realised and I was HERE FOR IT and also, I don’t mean to objectify him, but Noah Centineo doesn’t exactly make it a difficult film to watch. I like to watch this film when I’m in need of uplifting, as a nice Friday night little comfort blanket (clearly I live a wild and rebellious existence). So I was expecting good things from this book. And I was not disappointed.

This book is very sweet. It’s full of little details, just about Lara Jean and her family baking (which they do a lot, their house must smell really nice) or maybe they’re going on a weekly food shop, but I loved the relationship that Han created between the three sisters. My sister and I, as we have both read the book, have been quite frequently cooing over how sweet their family is and all their arts and crafts and baking and little gestures they do for each other. Something I really picked up on was Lara Jean’s attention to detail – she picks out outfits the night before, her meals are described in infinite, scrumptious detail, she brings people drinks and food and Korean face masks to make them feel better. It was somehow really satisfying and made me want to be detailed and creative or make some kind of beautifully organised, colour-coded, washi-taped list. She was just a character full of little details and I really liked that.

I felt that the characterisation of Lara Jean’s older sister, Margot, was slightly rushed and a little too overt in the film but I thought her organisation and strong sense of responsibility were more subtly characterised in the book. In the film, Margot almost just becomes someone to compare Lara Jean to or someone to advance the plot in terms of Lara Jean’s relationship with their neighbour, letter recipient and Margot’s boyfriend Josh but she was a much more complex character in the book. In the book, there’s this moment where Lara Jean sees Margot cry without her knowing it and Margot is hurt by her sisters doing their Christmas traditions whilst she is away at university – Margot comes across as a little stoic at times in the film but we really see her vulnerabilities in the book, which was nice. Also, as a fellow goody two shoes myself, it was nice to see a character like Margot to not be portrayed like an uptight stereotype and instead, as an actual human being with complexities and emotions.

Also, the whole dead mum plot was much better handled in the book than in the film. Within the first probably 2 minutes of the film, Kitty, Lara Jean’s youngest sister, exclaims something like, “BUT I WAS ONLY A BABY WHEN MOM DIED” and suddenly we have a Tragic Back Story. Admittedly, the film doesn’t suddenly become All Roads Lead To The Loss Of My Mother and it is used as a way for Lara Jean and Peter to bond later on but I thought that could have been embedded slightly better than a hasty announcement and an A1 sized picture of a motherly looking portrait on the wall. I understand the limitations of screen time but there is no need to whack this aspect of the plot on a big old flashing sign and the book does not do this, tending to bring it in in much more subtle ways, such as to explore Margot’s depth of character in her role as a substitute mother and how Lara Jean relates to that. Wow, all roads lead to Margot.

But what carries through both the film and the book is just the genuinely good nature of Peter Kavinsky. In the film, he moves the popcorn responsibly before having a pillow fight with his girlfriend’s younger sister and in the book, he compliments Lara Jean’s Cho Chang costume and just looks at her THE WAY ALL GIRLS WANT TO BE LOOKED AT. The iconic pocket spin moment and the love notes were not there in their exact form in the book but the romantic tone of them were carried through in other ways, making Peter just as loveable as ever. And the hot tub scene did not disappoint. Tastefully written, backed by enough development of their relationship, adorable. Class bit of writing from Jenny Han there.

The one thing I would say is that I was left totally unsatisfied by the ending. SPOILER ALERT but the ending is not wrapped up at all and we do not get the rom-com satisfaction that the film ending gives us. I have now started reading the second book in the trilogy (‘P.S. I Still Love You’) and have found that a lot of stuff that happens at the end of the film of the first book actually happens in the second book – Lara Jean writing her final love letter to Peter, them getting together for real, the whole hot tub sex tape situation (which sounds extremely odd out of context). I was just left unfulfilled by the ending of the first book. I was speeding towards the final few pages, expecting an adorable reunion to light the fire in my rom-com-loving heart but instead it just ends with Lara Jean ADDRESSING her final letter to Peter. ADDRESSING. Not even into the main body paragraph yet, where the good stuff happens and they have a fantastic reunion on a lacrosse field and my heart bursts. I just felt that adding all that stuff from the second book into the first film gave the film a more rounded ending, whereas having it all at the start of the second book felt like we were sort of cleaning up after the events of the first book, rather than beginning a new aspect of the story. Maybe it’s a good thing that the books are sort of subverting a typical ending and it’s true, the second book definitely explores some more sticky parts of Lara Jean and Peter’s relationship, rather than just the picture perfect ending they have at the end of the first film. This approach did work well in some ways but I just wanted more rom-com goodness to it.

I absolutely flew through this book – I started on Friday evening and had finished it by Saturday morning, so it is a very easy read. It was exactly what I needed – light, adorable and somewhat relevant in my own life. For some reason, I sort of felt ashamed, almost guilty, that I was reading it, that I wasn’t reading ‘The Mill on the Floss’, the book waiting for me from my English Literature reading list, or ‘Gone With The Wind’ (which I am literally taking decades to get through). Although I enjoy these kinds of books, it was nice to step back from them and read a good YA rom-com. I carpe-d the hell out of my diem and just read what I felt like reading (*Spice Up Your Life plays in the background*). And that’s what reading should be about – reading the books you feel like reading, balancing school and pleasure reading, finding characters you can truly know and relate to. That’s what it’s all about.

So what I took away from this is that it’s OK to give yourself a break. Not everything I do has to be for school, therefore not everything I read has to be for school. I was at the end of my tether after this term, I was physically and mentally exhausted and I needed a break. This book gave that to me, with its to die for aesthetic, adorable relationships and detailed, relatable characters. Didn’t mean to get that deep but yeah, to summarise – this was a good book that put me in a good mood and it will for you too!

I am going to try not to be ashamed of what I’m reading – I do not have to prove myself by reading certain things and although that English Literature reading list needs to be done (and I know I’ll enjoy doing it), it’s good to recognise when to take a break. Watch your favourite film for the tenth time, read your favourite book until it falls apart, make a disproportionately large amount of baked goods. Who cares? It makes you happy, and that’s all that matters.

Yours in love of rom-coms,

Sophie

 

Sophie Gets Some Books for Christmas

We are currently in the post-Christmas slump. It’s those six days after Christmas that no-one quite knows what to do with. For me, I am shamelessly building up my extra winter blubber with turkey and cranberry rolls and just about anything edible I can get my hands on that’s not a pickled onion. Even I, The Human Food Hoover, would not stoop to a pickled onion.

But the post-Christmas slump has its advantages. It brings a lot of free time (which is being filled substantially by school work, but nevertheless) and, as I was lucky enough to receive some really lovely gifts this year, a lot of sitting down, which is being filled nicely by reading and writing, some favourite pastimes of mine. I am currently writing this post on my new BABY BLUE laptop that I would probably die for/bring to a desert island/invite anyone to a dinner party living or dead. I am also leaning on my ‘Love, Simon’ pillow, for which I would quite gladly do a full Faustus and sell my soul to the devil in order to keep it. As usual, I am struck by an alarming case of exaggerationitis (I tend to come out in red itchy hives, it’s awful). But I also asked for quite a few books for Christmas this year, especially after an Instagram question thingy that I did where I got loads of great recommendations. And, with much gratitude on my part, Santa delivered.

  1. ‘The Hate U Give’ by Angie Thomas

This was one of the books recommended to me via The Instagram Situation but I had previously seen this in Waterstones several times and really wanted to read it. These and the fact that this book was turned into a film this year made me feel like it had to go on the list. And with good reason. ‘The Hate U Give’ tells the story of a teenage girl who is the only witness to the shooting of her unarmed best friend by a police officer and how she finds her voice in tempestuous circumstances. This book feels extremely relevant at the moment and it just feels important. With raving reviews and whispers of it being a classic in the making, I knew it had to go on my book shelf.

2. ‘All The Light We Cannot See’ by Anthony Doerr

Another Instagram recommendation, this book is a book for me. After discovering the personal life changer that was ‘The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society’ this year, I discovered a new personal soft spot for historically informed fiction. That soft spot sits right next to my new cushion and my baby blue laptop. I shouldn’t really be surprised at liking historical fiction, seeing as I took History A-Level, but there we go. Regardless, this book is about the stories of two people during the Second World War and, in the words of The Blurb, how ‘people try to be good to one another’. A glowing recommendation from a friend, a pinch of history and I was sold. I am definitely going to need some more shelves.

3. ‘Revolutionary Road’ by Richard Yates

Hailed as a masterpiece and one of the favourite books of one of my close friends, I felt this one had to be read. It’s about a young couple who are bored with being ordinary, try to be extraordinary and then the disastrous consequences this has for them. And I hope you brought your scuba masks, because it’s time to get deep. When I read the summary for this book online, I sort of felt an identification with the desire to be more than. When I think about it, my future consumes a lot more of my internal monologue than I’d like to admit and honestly? This book sparked that bit of curiosity inside of me. But we do not have the time nor the energy to unpack that right now, because plastic bags cost 5p each now, and that kind of baggage is going to be expensive. And heavy. Sorry for the monetary/Tesco metaphor. I have no problem with the 5p regime, it’s great for the environment. Let’s move on.

4. ‘Call Me By Your Name’ by André Aciman

First of all, please let me apologise for the fact that the ‘e’ of ‘André‘ is in a different font. I copied and pasted the e with an accent from Bing and I felt like I was doing sort of a disservice the guy, in a weird way, if I didn’t make the effort, and I have no idea how to change the font on WordPress, so please just bear with me. Thanks :). Moving onto what actually matters, if you haven’t already heard of this after the acclaimed film version that was recently released, the story is of a summer romance between 17 year old Elio and his father’s house guest, Oliver, on the Italian Riviera. Another blog that I read recently praised this extremely highly and I am incredibly partial to a romance, so it really was a match made in heaven. Also, the actors who play the main characters in the film are sort of suspiciously gorgeous. They are an extremely photogenic couple.

5. ‘Women and Power’ by Mary Beard

I am entirely surrounded by recommendations of this book in my everyday life. Several of my friends have commended this book with such an alacrity that I am beginning to feel that my life cannot be complete without it. The wonderfully witty Mary Beard examines how history has treated powerful women in her manifesto and to be honest, you know the little summary that they have on the inside front cover of hard book? (I know right, hard back, I’m fancy). I just skimmed that while trying to summarise this book for you and I already feel like I could live off a diet of ‘Women and Power’. Like, I’m starving on a desert island, seriously considering eating my laptop (I know now that it was a silly bring-one-thing-to-a-desert-island) and I think about this book and I’m no longer hungry. But in all seriousness, I sometimes waver in my life – perhaps this book can put me on the path to a little more self-assuredness.

6. ‘Between the Lines’ by Jodi Picoult and Samantha Van Leer

I had never heard of this book before The Turning Point that was the Instagram question box thingy day but it had me extremely intrigued. My mum has read books by Jodi Picoult before and loved them so I thought I would give it a try. The protagonist Delilah keeps re-reading her favourite fairy tale until one of the characters from the book looks out from the page and speaks to her. Antics ensue. I actually only just realised this now but Jodi Picoult has written this with her daughter, which is very sweet. I was sort of worried for a bit that the daughter was a daughter as in a five year old and this was going to be a Hungry Caterpillar situation (nothing wrong with it, I just did not have children’s fiction on my radar at all) but the daughter is a daughter as in a university student. I’m excited.

7. ‘Ragdoll’ by Daniel Cole

Bet you know the answer to this question. Where did I find out about this book? On 3 – 1, 2, 3… Instagram! £50, 000 prize! Sorry, unnecessary sarcasm. Turn away if you’re squeamish, but this is a murder mystery about a killer called ‘Ragdoll’, nicknamed as such because a body is found with the parts of six of their victims stitched together. A light read, if you will. The killer releases a list of names to the media and the dates on which he intends to kill them, putting the pressure on the detective team to get it solved. I don’t do well with horror films so I may not sleep for weeks after reading this but I was so gripped by the summary that I had to read it. I was once told by an English teacher to expand what I read and I read some murder mysteries this year and enjoyed them so… no time like the present.

8. ‘Wuthering Heights’ by Emily Brontë

I’m sorry, we have the accent problem again – it was the only diaresis (apparently that’s what it’s called) that I could find online that wasn’t in bold, coloured in white or huge, so sincerest apologies. Anyway, you may be surprised that I have not yet read this classic but I love ‘Jane Eyre’ eternally so Charlotte’s sister Emily and her novels will hopefully inspire the same kind of love in me. I feel like my lowly, peasant-like words are going to absolutely murder the small synopsis I’m about to give you but nevertheless, I will push forward. The book is about the rich and beautiful Cathy who claims to love the poor orphan Heathcliff but still marries someone else. After obtaining an education and a fortune, Heathcliff returns, his love vengeful and obsessive. The cover of my copy is literally the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, would happily get it tattooed on my forehead and I feel like I’m doing a disservice if I don’t read this. And it’s been on the to-read list for a while as I believe it’s high time for me to try out a new Brontë. Oh, and if you don’t think I’m going to go for Anne as soon as possible, especially after her inclusion in Guernsey Potato Peel, you’ve got another thing coming.

I would like to offer my deepest condolences to my school reading list, my sleeping pattern and anyone who has an accent in their name. To the reading list – I’m sorry for the indolence and neglect you are about to experience. To my sleeping pattern – I’m sorry that you are doomed to be forever irregular. To anyone who has an accent in their name – I’m just sorry. I completely butchered accents today. However, at the end of the day, you have to do what makes you happy. And for me, that’s reading books that I want to read and books that make me happy and change my world view and occupy my thoughts and inspire me. The rest of those Instagram book recommendations have gone right to the top of my to-read list. I’m just still trying to get the balance right.

Yours whilst drowning in books (in a good way),

Sophie